You’re sitting watching some mindless, meaningless nothing on the tube when your husband touches you like he did when you were dating, but his cold hands feel like a witch’s bust and the thought of intimacy gives you the creeps. Sound familiar?
Well, fancy you overcoming Eve’s Curse and getting in that tropical island mood once again. Or maybe you’ve lived a life of celibacy due to a case of asexuality.
But now you may finally be able to overcome any number of mental, physical, emotional roadblocks to discover the wonderful world of casual, recreational sex for the first time!
No libido whatsoever plagues some 55 million women in America, says Dr. Robert Rey, the Dr. 90210 star. But Rey claims to have an antidote (if one cares to jump back into the game) with a three step program to eliminate frigidity.
Rey says that first you should exercise. That synthesizes the male hormone androgen and that (he says) may stimulate your (dead) libido.
Then you might consider the mineral zinc, since (he says) it produces (the male thing) testosterone and that might force you into a more erotic mood.
Then Rey says that chocolate should be eaten every day because it produces P.E.A. and that increases serotonin (and then he mentioned something about dopamine), and that makes you euphoric.
Figs are good and so are oysters, but most important are avocados.
The ancient Aztecs had to hide their in-summer girls from the ripe avocado crop, otherwise (Rey says) there would be an outbreak of teenage pregnancies.
Any of this useful? Well, you’ll need to exercise to overcome the massive calorie intake of the chocolate, figs and avocados. And while zinc is an essential mineral, an overdose causes ataxia, lethargy and copper deficiency, and you’ll have to do more than jog to outrun those nightmares.
If you are a lifelong (professional) virgin then you don’t know what you’ve missed anyway.
And if you’re no longer as amorous as you remember once being, try thinking what the single’s bar scene was really like and all those frogs you had to kiss along the way.