Wisdom from the wizard of Ozzy (Osbourne)
Wisdom from the wizard of Ozzy (Osbourne)

I was told in college never to date a psych major.  All because, by proof of anecdote, that such girls had head issues of their own and took the classes to deal with problems that were issues and issues that were problems.

If you later became one of their patients, you had a fool for a lawyer (to mix metaphors).

Well, enter Ozzy (Prince of Darkness) Osbourne.  He was stoned the entire time he filmed his three-year long reality show The Osbournes.  Earlier this year scientists (at Knome) agreed to map Osbourne‘s personal genome to figure out why Osbourne is still alive after years of drug abuse.

If there was anyone you didn’t want health advice from it would be Jack Kevorkian or Ozzy Osbourne.

The New York Post reports that Rolling Stone hired Dr. Ozzy as their new Health Columnist and he will answer questions that you submit to him. Words insult the magnanimity of the appointment.

If you want to post your own questions, just go to the “We are soliciting questions right now for Ozzy to answer…” section of Rolling Stone‘s pulp or blog.

surprisingly, you may find his advice instructive.

The lamentation of many men is what to do about a girlfriend or wife (seemingly) too tired for intimacy.  Well, Ozzy is a half-century rock star who knows more about what makes a lady smile than the usual advice-to-the-lovelorn chairbound eunuch.

And, Osbourne was customarily frank and forthcoming on the frigid-harpy syndrome, saying that, “As I’ve always said to Sharon (his wife of 28 years), there are 24 hours in a day, so it shouldn’t be hard to make sure you spend at least one of them together.  Go on a date. Have dinner together.  Or put on a wig and a false beard, check into a B&B and (bleep) the (bleep) out of each other, like you’re having an affair . . . ”

And you thought it would be an insensitive troglodyte, shag ’em, forget ’em answer.

Osbourne‘s advice on the touchy subject of drug dangers with your children was, “The only time I ever talked to my kids about drugs, it was to ask, ‘Can you give me some?'”

Ozzy is good at mind diagnosis and prognosis because he never took a psych class. Or dated a shrink student.

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