Is Minka Kelly the sexiest woman alive out of four billion?

Is Minka Kelly the sexiest woman alive out of four billion? Esquire November issue

After having interviewed four billion other contestants, Esquire magazine has chosen Minka Kelly as this year’s Sexiest Woman Alive.  Just kidding, actually it’s 191.  The part beginning with the word Esquire is accurate.

Who decides such an important decision?  “…editors of Esquire’s 17 international editions” and “…presidents, human-rights activists, models with legitimate hearts of gold, and this one incredible actress from India.”

And just what are the criteria at Esquire for such a title?  Well, the Esquire blog says “Not necessarily the sexiest, what’s the point of a beauty pageant, really? Shouldn’t the women of the world be celebrated for who they are…”
So who is Minka Kelly, aside from Yankee Derek Jeeter‘s actress girlfriend?  “…something different, something beautiful, something that reveals a little bit more about who we are.”
So, who are they?  Cool, hip and aware in every way.  They keep saying.
Apparently the most salient feature for Esquire‘s sexy candidate may be how beautiful her political belief system looks.
As you might guess, there is another category that Esquire has for the Sexiest Republican Women, titled How D.C. Became Hollywood for Semi-Attractive People.

Now that we know who judges (important, beautiful, ethical people, though no names mentioned) and what is sublime (celebrated for who they are…reveals a little bit more about who we are..”),  it’s instructive to see the accompanying video at the Esquire site to better understand who she is/what we are.

SLOW FADE IN:  Breathless, mysterious atmospherics –

“An Esquire Special Presentation

(sexy verbiage, etcetera)

FADE IN:  Various girlie undergarments strewn helter skelter.

KELLY stares fatuously into a mirror, fingering her hair into tight curlicues, slinking dog-style along a bed with a snarling pout, gripping, fondling her modest bust, suddenly doing to a pencil what the director perhaps daydreams is erotic, but at this critical moment the filmmaker runs out of what to do with Earth’s sexist human and shamelessly rehashes the same posturing, strutting shots to the annoying racket of a forgettable jump tune –

FADE OUT