Lindsay Lohan in one of her better mug shots

Grand Poobah Mike Cartel told the legendary HollywoodOutbreak.com investigative staff that if they wanted a holiday bonus they would have to crack the Lindsay Lohan rehab battery caper and “not get scooped like we always do!”

Nor is Cartel letting any grass grow on his own chair cushion.  He was seen walking at sunrise in Toluca Lake taking photos and notes.

All this in regard to the conflicting stories between Lohan and a Betty Ford employee regarding a police reported battery complaint.

The rehab staff person is (according to TMZ) one Dawn Holland, who says that Lohan broke curfew with two roommates then jumped a wall to get back into the facility after hours.  Holland confronted Lohan, reportedly smelled alcohol on her breath and attempted to do a breathalyzer test.

Holland then claims Lohan refused and shoved her.  Lohan called 911 while Holland called the same number on another phone.  Holland alleges that Lindsay pulled the phone from her so violently that it sprained her hand.

Meanwhile, Lohan has another version of the same event.

Lindsay says that she left Betty Ford to get her hair done.  When she returned, Lohan says, Holland grabbed and manhandled her so inhumanely that Lindsay cried.

Then Lohan says that she asked for a breath test but Holland refused.

Leaving no stone (or cliché) unturned, Cartel says that he will pass himself off as a nurse at the rehab joint to get the main poop.

Otherwise, “…we’ll just let the other news services do the heavy lifting,” Cartel said to a dark and stormy room as rain filtered through several sieves to the tune of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.