Guys like Don Johnson, Jeff Fahey, and Steven Seagal rarely nab those A-list parts Hollywood doles out to pretty boys Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and Shia LaBeouf (who still looks young enough for Holes).  But that’s show business, and some twenty years ago they were headliners instead of the supporting cast.  During the VHS era Fahey went toe to toe with Clint Eastwood in Africa (White Hunter Black Heart), Seagal tangled with Tommy Lee Jones (Under Siege), and Mr. Miami Vice himself hooked up with Virginia Madsen AND Jennifer Connelly (The Hot Spot).    These three badass amigos, who picked up the tougher than leather mantle left by Lee Marvin and Robert Mitchum, were my “Expendables” in the late 80s to mid 90s.

Things change.  Today’s leading men are stuck crying next to a mannequin (Will Smith, I Am Legend), committing suicide via jellyfish (Will Smith, Seven Pounds), forgetting who they really are and what they are fighting for (Matt Damon’s Bourne films and Green Zone), or running from robots (and by robots we don’t mean Megan Fox, Shia!!).  I miss the days when dudes would much shoot and ask questions later.  Aside from an occasional testosterone infused tale spun by Quentin Tarantino, Paul Thomas Anderson, and Sylvester Stallone, where, as Paula Cole once opined, “have all the cowboys gone?”

Machete, in all its bloody and scenery chewing glory, is director Robert Rodriguez’s homage to 1970s exploitation films and a stunning reminder that my three childhood heroes are still, for lack of a better phrase, ready to kick some serious ass. Although the movie was made thanks to the popularity of its fake trailer from Grindhouse, Rodriguez had Machete on his brain since his El Mariachi days. Danny Trejo, in a role that fits him like a boxing glove, is the titular character, a taciturn ex-Federale aiming to slice and dice “Torrez” (Seagal), a drug lord who killed “Machete’s” wife and child before leaving him for dead.   Opportunity knocks when our seemingly broken hero is hired by a shady figure named “Booth” (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate the corrupt, immigrant hating “Texas State Senator McLaughlin” (Robert De Niro).  When “Machete” discovers his high paying gig is a frame job, he barely escapes and adds a few more scoundrels to his hit list.  Throw in Don Johnson as a border vigilante who shoots Mexicans on site and you have a murderers’ row of baddies.

But “Machete” has his own crew of destruction; a taco truck owner/part time revolutionary named “She” (Michelle Rodriguez), a hotter than a Texas picnic immigration agent (Jessica Alba brimming with moxie and charm), and a shotgun toting padre (Cheech Marin) all help “Machete” even the playing field.  If you’re looking for a fight and love your women strong and sexy, you’ve come to the right place.

Rodriguez gleefully mines a fertile playground with Machete; heads are sliced, a mercenary’s intestines is used for rope, a threesome spearheaded by Trejo transpires, and De Niro spits a deliciously awful Southern accent which rivals James Van Der Beek’s twang in Varsity Blues.  Much has been made of Lindsay Lohan’s part, and as “Booth’s” drugged out and promiscuous daughter, she doesn’t disappoint.  “Booth’s” sexual feelings for his little girl may seem a bit too much, but in the context of Machete’s wonderfully over the top storyline, it makes a boatload of sense.

The climax of the film features a sword fight between Trejo and Seagal, and watching the old dogs duke it out Sergio Leone (The Good The Bad, & The Ugly) style was definitely the icing on the cake.  Director Robert Rodriguez knows how to a have good time, and by the end of Machete, so will most viewers.

-Greg Srisavasdi