This just in from our pals over at NBC:

    QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S” “WEEKEND UPDATE WITH   SETH MEYERS” FEBRUARY 7, 2009

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - “On Friday the Senate agreed to an economic stimulus package of at least 780 billion dollars which, I know sounds like a lot of money, but remember that’s in American dollars.”

MEYERS - “In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation. Which, coincidently, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm.”

MEYERS - “After two of his top cabinet nominees withdrew their bids on Tuesday because of their failure to pay back taxes, President Obama said, “This was a mistake.  I screwed up.”  That’s your mistake?  I don’t know if you remember, but the last guy broke the world.”

MEYERS - “At a Groundhog ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by the groundhog.  Which means 6 more weeks of winter for us, and 6 pounds of fresh groundhog meat for
the zoo’s lion.” 

MEYERS - “Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps apologized Sunday after pictures were printed of him smoking marijuana from a bong last fall. Though suddenly the Michael Phelps diet makes a lot more sense.”

MEYERS - “Julie and Hillary Goodridge, a lesbian couple who led the fight for gay marriage in Massachusetts, filed for divorce this week.  Citing irreconcilable blazers.”

MEYERS - “This month is Black History Month.  Not to be confused with A & E’s Black Mystery Month.” 

MEYERS - “Doctors in Maryland are hoping that an operation they performed in which they removed a donor’s kidney through her vagina will encourage others to donate as well. Though I fail to see how “We’ll pull it out through your vagina” sweetens the deal.”

MEYERS - “An increasing number of rare animals, such as snakes and monkeys, are being used by Mexican gangs to help smuggle drugs into the US.  Because nothing helps you blend in like a monkey full of cocaine.”

MEYERS - “An estimated 90,000 sex offenders have been identified and removed from MySpace this week.  So to those sex offenders I say, welcome to Facebook!”

MEYERS - “According to new research, marinating steak in beer or wine before grilling reduces the amount of carcinogens in the meat.  “Well that’s certainly going to make my breakfast healthier,” said John Madden.”

MEYERS - “A man in Colorado robbed two convenience stores armed with a “bat’leth,” which is a curved sword used by Klingons in Star Trek. As for what exactly the man was stealing, I think it’s safe to say ‘not condoms.’”